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    記憶猶新,我的過去其一

    來源:網友投稿 時間:2019-07-04 17:59:25 閱讀: 字體:
    記憶猶新,我的過去其一

    ??又是我的故事系列,獨一無二的故事,我拿來練練筆,順便和大家分享,遺憾和感激的事。

    ??條條大路通羅馬,若把羅馬比喻成死亡,大路只是追求生命過程中的一部分,雖然漫長但......精華與懷念通常都蘊藏在其中,前幾篇啰嗦話有提過,我本身開啟寫作這條路的起點,是從最不可能的網戀開始,雖然沒有成功?自從一款游戲真的讓一位女生喜歡上我,這種只會在小說、電影、漫畫才會出現的事情,真的!在現實發生了,猜疑大概是我當時的唯一想法,怎么可能會有這么乾凈漂亮的女孩愿意跟我這肥宅再一起呢?當然機會總是在遲疑與猜忌中,就這樣從我手中漂走,雖然事后后悔早已挽回不了最初造成的傷害,也許是我太過于懦弱?人家都千里迢迢從臺北專程下來高雄找我這個肥宅?就連行李都準備好,向是做好決心那樣就在現在想起來,我無法給別人什么承諾或者幸福,或許這是正確的也說不定。

    ??就過一年左右她和一個男生結婚了,看見臉書Po出一張張她與對象幸福的親暱合照,當時的我真的是一直在傻笑,沒有淚水與憤怒像是情緒完全被世界隔絕,沒有任何感覺?我問我自己,我究竟是怎么了?為何?會淪為這樣的人,對別人的事可以感受到情緒,但......對于自己像是最熟悉的陌生人。

    ??好奇就去翻小時候,父母帶我出去玩的相片,記憶中閃過一段懵懵懂懂記憶中,還記的那場景,那永遠揮之不去的場景,是兩位剛滿20出頭沒多久的年輕人,正在高雄市左營區某棟大樓大廳前大聲嚷嚷的吵架,女方她握著一個小孩的手,含淚問那孩子的父親說:「就一定得這樣嘛?」

    ??那位男性飄動不定的眼神,他手插腰把頭轉到另一頭,冷漠地說:「不用說了,孩子以后歸我,妳想都不用想。」

    ??那女性哭得是一把眼淚一把鼻涕的,仍不死心地問:「真的不顧小孩就切掉這段感情嗎?」

    ??接下來那男性,狠狠抓住那女性的頭,對著他的眼睛很近的說:「我已經不愛妳了,強迫我跟妳再一起,不就要我去自殺一樣嗎?」

    ??那年輕媽媽原本就在傷心邊緣的底線,就在這一句無情打擊下,她終于抵抗不了這無情冷血的話語,她潰堤了......蹲在地上哭的是泣不成聲,思緒、邏輯、判斷什么的早就從腦中消失,無助的她只是眼睜睜看著兩個小孩,被這位父親帶上計程車,就這么目送兩個孩子被那父親帶走,當然孩子不段拍打著車窗,叫著:「媽媽、媽媽--」仍抱在父親手上的那一個,是我的弟弟。

    ??對!沒錯正在拍打車窗的是我,那時的我三歲,正好是對認知與判斷和記憶開始那一刻,雖然現在父親沒有給我一個標準答案,多半是敷衍帶過這以前的事情,我知道像他這種標準臺灣的大男人主義,要軟下身段真的很困難。

    ??體會他對于話語上的笨拙,對家庭作了什么貢獻嗎?或許在我看不見的地方,曾經做了什么?我家從一開始算是小康家庭,因為有間祖先留下的祖厝,可以讓阿嬤每個月有房租可以收,又有地方可以遮風避雨,對于很多家庭上來說,已經不上足比下有余的環境,雖說經過多次補習仍無法增強的科目,不勝枚舉就連現在常做的寫作,我都沒有一個邏輯。

    ??從一開始,被班上同學因為是單親家庭的理由霸凌,很無聊吧!對就是這么無聊,各種有創意的惡整都會出現在你的身上,從要坐下的時候抽椅子,到把書包拿去藏,各種嫁禍到你身上,根本就是如同被圍攻的RPG最終大Boss相同,呵呵!我?那時當然常常在哭,不可能那么堅強,不過......萌生死這個念頭很早就有,雖然都沒有去嘗試,因為理智會告訴那很痛,大概是我很怕痛吧!所以才沒去做。(笑)

              就在那時搭上,曾經出現在新聞的學姊,在頂樓不慎勾到旗幟墜樓的不幸慘訊,足足讓那封鎖有半個有甚至隔起鐵片圍墻,就是不想讓學生去想起那一件事,恩......不好意思,只要讓我印象深刻要忘記,真的很難!和那些曾經霸凌我的同學也是,臉我都還記在腦中,不是我還沒走出來,是危機意識強迫你,會去記住他。

            難受嗎?我從一頭栽入從一開始寓言童書的故事,發現我可以短暫躲避到,距離現實不同的世界神游,再來慢慢接觸小說,一本、一本相繼就這么閱讀下去,是的從逃避開始讓我覺得,看上一本書我會好很多,像是給精神上吃上了嗎啡,會有一種亢奮的滋味。

      標簽:的是,就在,父親

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