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    【病態30題|冷暴力】

    來源:網友投稿 時間:2019-07-04 17:59:24 閱讀: 字體:
    【病態30題|冷暴力】

    他已經太久沒和別人好好說話了,怯弱的連和人對視都不敢,整天閉著嘴、低著頭默默地完成自己的工作。同事問一句話都能讓他全身冒冷汗的結巴半天,給出的回答也只是零散的幾個字詞,或許是因為一張討人喜歡的皮相,雖然冷嘲熱諷的話沒少聽,但更惡意的欺負的事情倒沒發生,他為此慶幸。

    坐在捷運上他就開始搓手,有些懼怕回家,卻不敢不回家。

    前些年他在公司附近租了房,住沒一年就回家,把房子退租時正值立夏,交還鑰匙后看著自己為數不多的生活用品被搬上貨車,他緊張的胃痛、唇色發白,搬家小哥湊過來關心,喊了幾聲他才回過神,轉頭看見離自己太近——其實只是碰到肩膀而已——的男人時,他立馬往后退了幾步,抿著唇說沒事,以為嫌自己滿身大汗,搬家小哥撇撇嘴沒趣的敷衍應聲。

    出了捷運站,再走個十分鐘左右就到家了。

    「故意這么晚回來?讓我們等你吃飯哪!」才剛開門客廳就傳來涼涼的嗓音。聽得他差些沒拿好鑰匙。

    他抬頭,父親坐在躺椅上,說話的母親端著菜走出廚房,瞄了他一眼「不去拿碗筷等我伺候?」這話一出,他連鞋子都忘了脫就走進客廳,在父母的注視下將碗筷一一擺放好。

    父母盯著他。

    視線朝著腳上的皮鞋。

    「地板不用你拖就可以拿鞋子踩啦?」

    他的胃隱約發疼。

    「人家是花錢養我們的人。」父親冷冷的接話   「忘記你弟今天要回來吃飯?」

    他猛地抬頭,緊張地吞口水「沒有。」然后將鞋子拿回玄關放好,又折回來再拿了一副碗筷。

    剛擺好就聽見大門打開的聲音,是他弟。

    「我回來啦!」揹著后背包的大學生朝氣蓬勃,和他相差甚遠。

    這頓飯吃的胃疼,弟弟時不時夾菜給他、對他撒嬌,說上禮拜沒回來好久沒看到他,和媽媽預定下禮拜回來想吃的菜。

    他明白弟弟是真對他好,是他自己不知道從什么時候開始不知道怎么面對弟弟。

    小時候拉著弟弟去玩,摔傷了哭著回來,下巴流著血的因為被他護著只膝蓋紅了一片略為破皮的小弟被媽媽上下的察看,然后爸爸走過來也不關心他傷勢,輕聲說了句不準再帶弟弟出去玩。

    下巴流的血浸溼了衣服領口和胸口,他撩起下擺壓在傷口上,不發一語的走開。晚上洗澡,熱水淋過一陣刺痛他才發現原來小腿也受傷了,他抬著腿對著沖水,早已乾掉的血跡變成一片的有點難清理,邊沖邊擦許久才算完成。

    記憶里他發燒感冒一直很少去看醫生,多喝水多休息多出汗,時間長短不一定但基本上都能好。所以當弟弟感冒難受的直咳,他抱著一大寶特瓶的水聽見爸爸說趕快帶弟弟去掛號,媽媽應了聲就載著弟弟出門了,他以為弟弟病得很嚴重,晚上仔細地盯著,卻除了咳嗽和偶爾的抽鼻聲,連發燒的跡象都沒有,反倒看見幾次媽媽推開房門,就著小夜燈查看,替弟弟拉拉被子、摸摸頭后才離開。

    「你要是出什么意外我是不會養你的。」

    夜里看見的母親太溫柔,讓他差點以為這句話是他的記憶出了差錯。

    然而并不是,一家人去逛夜市時穿越馬路,要過雙黃線時他就站在母親身旁,卻看見她轉頭牽起弟弟的手,然后逕自往前走,而爸爸也大跨幾步跟上,也拉起了弟弟,只有錯愕的他被留在原地,隔著呼嘯的車,父母冷望著他。也許他該慶幸,這導致他后來再也不任意穿越馬路,永遠都是最遵守交通規則的那個人,他怕萬一真的出事沒有人來看自己。

    后來跟人發生擦撞,倒在地上時他滿腦子希望四肢只要還健全就行,他真切地認為萬一有什么太嚴重的傷是自己再也進不了家。

    他沒有頭緒父母從何時這么不待見他,他其實寧愿被狠狠的打一頓、罵一頓而不是永遠都是淡漠的表情冷靜的嗓音,這些軟刀子剛刺過來時感受不到痛,但一有對比出現就往里陷進幾分,在他還沒學會自我調適之前已經被捅的遍體麟傷,卻一點血不見。

    再長大一些他就變得很安靜很安靜,有時候會一整天都不說話。窩在自己房間里聽客廳三個人被電視惹得大笑的聲音,那才是真正的一家人,他不只一次的這么想。早早去上課,晚上補習到快10點才回家,和家人見面的時間不到三小時,就算有時早下課他也會在外游蕩,去哪都好反正不是回家,他從不認為母親會知道自己在上什么課,應該幾點回家。那就是他的叛逆期,微不足道的叛逆期。

    然后他就將自己完全封閉起來。

    因為他發現就算被刺再多刀他也不忍心離開,否則不會因為弟弟到外地讀書,自己就擔心父母在家孤單而回來住了,儘管事實證明他還是不回來的好。

    可是他不敢向別人取暖,也沒有能力自我治癒,而回到這個家的好處是他從小住的房間還留著,這么家還有人在。這一絲熟悉感是他給自己找的避風港。

    回憶在腦海輪放,弟弟每次回來都得這樣,看見父母對弟弟有多好,他才會體認到自己其實有多不受寵。

    吃完飯他吞了幾顆止痛藥。

    弟弟晚上跟他同間房睡。

    于是躺下前又多吞了幾顆安眠藥。

      標簽:弟弟,是他,父母

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